The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
