i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
