If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
