a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
