I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
