You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
