I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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