There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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