So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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