Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
