you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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