"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
