If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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