My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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