Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
