I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
