I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
