so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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