I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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