I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it was like his penis was on wheels.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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