At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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