If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
