I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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