I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
