my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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