so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
