I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
