Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
