So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
