What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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