Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
