I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My liver just broke up with me...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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