Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
