my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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