Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
