thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need to align my fucking chakras
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize