How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
