hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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