When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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