Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
