Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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