I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
