Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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