No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
