two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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