I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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