we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
