I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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