Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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