How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize