the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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