it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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