does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
