Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
