Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
