Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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