remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
