I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
