The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
