Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
