If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This baby is an asshole
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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