my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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