Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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