Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
