Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
