last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
