come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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