Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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