Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
