my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
