Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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