He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
