apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
