Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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