textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
