The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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