saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
