My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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