You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
