Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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