positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
