woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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