so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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