I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
